Not to be dramatic or anything.
The thing about starting my life over SO MANY TIMES is that everytime I do it, I have trouble with certain aspects of life... mainly social aspects. In school or on the JET Programme it was pretty easy to meet people like me, or at least like me enough to hang out with them a few times a week. In Los Angeles, however, I had a lot of trouble meeting people. Most of my social times were at work (since I worked 70 hour weeks more often than not), and home time was a time for complete solitude and a lot of computer game playing. I knew that I should go out and "meet new people", but I was never sure how exactly to go about doing that, other than trying unsuccessfully to meet boys on OKCupid.
Suddenly, in March, I found out that I would more or less be going to Japan in 4 months, and my concerns about making a life for myself in LA dissipated as I began to plan for my NEW life in Japan.
So 3 years later and I feel back in the same predicament -- I don't really know anybody except for my roommate and my couple of friends in Fremont who I see maybe once a week. Most of my social time, as is tradition, is met at work and when I go home I spend time watching Jeopardy, knitting, painting my room, or finding excuses not to blog. I'm completely at home and content to do these things, but I know that as a 24 year old single white female, I SHOULD be doing some of the following things:
- Participating in youth culture.
- Making friends
I've been invited to a pre-Halloween party at my co-worker's house in Lake City (far away, and preceding a very early morning Stårbucks shift), a Halloween party at Megan's boyfriend's house (Tarot themed -- not into the idea of it, plus the whole 3rd wheel thing), and some Halloween fun with my turned-out-to-be-platonic friend Daron and his friends. The main problem presenting itself to me is that I only know one person per event, and for fear of being awkward or clingy, the easy solution is to not attend any of the three events.
This will no doubt find me at home during the weekend, knitting, watching Jeopardy and painting my room.
Now, to further explain the Guernica Puzzle. The poorly matched puzzle that is Rachel K. Moves-all-the-damn-time seems always to be in a state of anxiety. Currently, I am feeling a lot of pressure to apply to the school of education at the University of Washington -- something that is prestigious and a decision that could indeed reshape my life. My family and friends are totally behind me and my decision to "possibly think about maybe going there at some point, I guess". So every once in awhile I pick up a GRE study book... or go online and fill out easy things on my online profile (name, address, ... GPA). Nothing further though -- every time I look at the personal statement page or the part where I have to write a "scholarly writing sample", I feel the monkeys of procrastination having a dance party in my stomach... and I feel the ghosts of Christmas past yelling words of discouragement at me "You're not SMART ENOUGH, you're a terrible standardized test taker! No school will ever accept you and you don't even really know what you're DOING."
In my heart of hearts, I know I just need to do the work and think about the fear of not being good enough after I get in, or don't get in. It's just a lot at once, and I am not the type of person to be 100% sure of any decision I make. I don't know if the indecision came from moving every 2-3 years, or if that was just a lifestyle that provided a solution for the innate indecisiveness in my personality. In either case, I'm running out of escape routes and it's time to make some big time, grown-up, career-altering decisions at some point.
It just all seems so odd to be worrying about graduate school when I don't even have a group of friends, a fully painted or set-up room, or permanent residence status in the state of Washington. Though, I suppose there's no one way to fit together a puzzle, and once it's finished, the paths we take become obsolete because of the big picture. So I'm hoping to accomplish something big, even though I am pretty sure I'm going about it in every wrong way.