Rachel K. Desperate

Seattle weather has taken a turn for the autumnal, which is a comfort and a reminder that I have been here longer than a year now. The leaves are starting to turn gold and red on a few kinds of trees and the air has turned crisper. It's the kind of weather that is conducive to reading, eating pie, and wearing over-sized sweaters. One of the blessings of having no real source of employment is that I have the time to enjoy these fall days at home and around downtown Seattle. The downside to having no real source of employment is that I have no real source of income, which is a constant reminder that I am fucked need graduate school to work out.

School-wise, I've been making slow progress. I've finally turned my applications in to the University of Washington and Seattle University. At this point I would gladly go to any school that would accept me, but I am currently hoping against hopes for UW to open up their lovin' arms and allow me the distinct pleasure of learning. I have also signed up as a second-class citizen non-matriculated student for two classes at UW. I'm on standby for Intro to Geology and Intro to Globalization. These classes, in theory, will fulfil my world geography and lab science course requirements as pre-requisites to either UW or SU graduate programs. In other words I've spent $3,000 in the hopes of taking classes to fulfil the needs of universities, in hopes that these universities will accept me.  I remain hopeful, since it's all I can really do.

On the community college front, I have applied for studentship at Seattle Central Community College, located on Capital Hill and right across the street from a Panera Bread that will OPEN SOON (according to its banner.) I took a math placement exam, but didn't place well enough to take the elementary school teacher math course that I need for one of my pre-requisites... SO I have spent the last weekend studying my polynomials and I plan to retake the placement test this week. This time I'll be ready! This is very much due to the kindly tutoring of Kevin, who has an exponential amount of patience with me and my inability to absorb mathematical concepts. <3

In the end of my application process, I took the WEST-E, which is the teacher's exam in Washington State for elementary endorsements. I have no idea if I passed, which is really scary. If I don't pass it, it could mean I don't get a graduate program this year, which would be an enormous set-back. I really hope I passed, and that's all I can do. On the bright side, it's the last exam I need to take, which is a tremendous relief. Or... a relief if I passed, anyway.

I am still tutoring part-time at the Kumon Center, which is my only source of income right now. My boss, Marty, has created a new position for me that she hopes will work out for me as well as for her. I'm somewhat of a glorified secretary starting in October. I'll be doing less tutoring, which is a bummer, but I'll have more responsibilities as a new title as, "classroom manager," which looks fancier than "tutor." I am thankful for the Kumon Center and all of the cash and sanity it has provided me with over the past year. Plus, my students are awesome and they're all getting SO TALL.

I am currently looking for part-time employment to supplement my meager income from Kumon and to give me more of a purpose in life. A year in Seattle and here I am applying to retail stores, the apple store, and coffee vendors that aren't Starbucks (I don't think they'll hire me back.) The apple store and multiple retail venues have thus far rejected me, but I am holding out for some kind of waitressing or barista position where I won't be expected to stay for the long haul. I just need something for the rest of the year or until I can finagle my way into a teacher certification program.

I feel more and more desperate all the time, I won't lie. All of my money from summer camp is going into classes and I feel like I am not making any progress with finding something to bring the money in. I hate that I have to focus on and worry about money and part-time jobs when I should really be focusing on salvaging a career out of this past year, which has been a glorious mess. Everything's always backwards. I'm stressed out and I hate that I'm 25 and I can't justify buying a hoodie for fall or yarn to make Christmas presents for my family. I've been filling a lot of the time with studying and baking bread. Somehow baking bread makes my day feel infinitely more successful, and I don't suppose I'll ever know why.

In a nutshell, my social and love lives are top notch, my professional life is non-existent, and I'm worried and anxious almost all of the time. I hope that my next blog post will be a lot more hopeful and that it will report a lot of GOOD THINGS. I will be hearing back from the Universities I applied to starting in October in any case.

I just want to teach.

Rachel K. Family Envy

I went to bed last night and watched Chuck in order to ignore my crippling feelings of inadequacy that I seem to get every time one of my cousins gets a full ride scholarship to a graduate school... and by "every time" I mean twice now.

Seriously though, how awesome is that!? My cousins are like Brilliantosaurus Rex! One of them, Olivia [pictured left], is studying and working for her PhD (I think) at NYU. She gets to study things in petri dishes, which she seems to thoroughly enjoy. The most recent news from the East coast family is that my other cousin, Dave [pictured left], is going to be studying and working for his masters at a school in Louisiana. They're both so focused on the things they want to study and they're both REALLY good at those things! It's no wonder the schools they've found want to pay them to be there and to help them expand their knowledge of the great wide world. Underneath my happy familial pride and joy, I'm envious as all hell! Man! Where does one find a program that pays YOU to go learn and earn a masters??? Maybe those only exist for obscure studies like the weirdo things Olivia and Dave are into (biochem and ... chasing alligators outdoors on motorcycles?)


I guess the fact of that matter is my cousins and my sister are all super brilliant at the things they do. My other cousins are all doing their own things in their own places and they're doing them WELL. Kristin [pictured below, top left], in Baltimore, is also attending a masters program and I believe she isn't paying full tuition either. I'll have to talk to her more about what she's been up to in order to give you more gossip. My culinary cousin Alan [below, bottom left] went to a two year culinary program in North Carolina and now he's working as an asst. chef in Virginia. Lastly, my sister [below, bottom right], who I am forever proud of, is working as an intern for Nickelodeon in Los Angeles. I'm so happy that she was able to break into an industry I only half-heartedly tried to get into myself in 2006 and 2006. She worked hard, applied to lots of internships, and now she's livin' the junior dream! My youngest cousin, Mo, is only twelve years old, but he amazes me already. He's athletic, kind and bright. There doesn't seem to be any challenge this kid can't defeat, and I know he'll do wonderful things now and in the future.

I just want to live up to the extraordinary expectations my family members are setting. I can't help like feeling like I don't tend to set or reach long term goals because I'm so used to inconsistency in my life. The whole never living anywhere for longer than four years, changing environments drastically, new friend groups,  new hobbies, new likes, new dislikes, and new jobs as different from one another as they come. How do I know I can achieve my goal of getting into a masters program and following through long enough to become a teacher when I was convinced I wanted to be an animator or a film director when I was 18? Or when I was trying to break into the casting industry in 2006? Or when I decided I was going to live in Japan and open a coffee shop in 2008? If there's always the expectation of an expiration date on whatever I'm doing and wherever I'm living, how can I make myself think long-term thoughts? How does anyone else do that anyway?